


Through these invisible traps

by Chessala



Series: Victuuri Oneshots and Short Scribbles [7]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, First fights, Fluff, Injury discussion, M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Canon, panic attack symptoms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 19:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12637752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chessala/pseuds/Chessala
Summary: “I’m not you, I have more stamina. I know how to pace myself.”He has never had any injuries despite long hours of training, that has to count for something. And yet, here Viktor is, chastising him like a teenager that doesn’t know his limits.“Is that why I wake up in the night and find you gone? Because you pace yourself?”-------------------------------Sometimes, being with Viktor can be harder than Yuuri would like.





	Through these invisible traps

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cryingoverspilledvodka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryingoverspilledvodka/gifts).



> Another One-shot, will I ever be able to finish my other fics? xD
> 
> Anyway, this pretty much is a reward for my sis [cryingoverspilledvodka](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cryingoverspilledvodka/pseuds/cryingoverspilledvodka) for updating TBE! 
> 
> The idea is that as much as I love Yuuri and Viktor being happy, relationships aren't always smiles and sunshine, especially not long-term ones! While they have argued before this fic, it was always pretty mild (excluding China). I hope you like it!
> 
>  
> 
> **Not beta-ed**
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy!

Viktor's eyes have the colour of the ocean, deep pools of blue that don't seem to have a beginning or an end. Yuuri loves looking at them, getting lost in them when Viktor smiles at him. It feels like he is drowning in the best way possible. The water surrounds him, cradles him, makes him feel safe. He has seen Viktor's eyes change when he is angry at something but the first time that change is directed at Yuuri, he finally understands the saying _'still waters run deep'_ .   
  
It isn't like Yuuri is unreasonable with his training, he just likes to go on a bit longer than he should and usually Viktor lets him. Today, however, Yuuri watches Viktor's jaw clench and his body tense when he tells him he wants to stay. He just doesn't feel satisfied, can't Viktor see that? Yuuri skates a bit closer to cup Viktor's face and disarm him with a smile and a kiss but when he looks at his eyes, his body freezes, unable to look away for all the wrong reasons. He still feels like the ocean is surrounding him but this time he can’t seem to breathe. Yuuri wraps his arms around himself as he feels the chill in Viktor's eyes creep into his bones, submerging him fully. He doesn't know how to swim in a sea that numbs his very soul. In that moment, Viktor's eyes resemble a silent storm that freezes Yuuri to the core.

Yuuri watches as Viktor relaxes his jaw and forces the rest of his body to do the same. He raises his hand in a dismissive gesture but his eyes remain fixed on Yuuri with the same cold expression.

“That’s quite enough for today, don’t you think?”

It’s not a question, not really. Yuuri feels a prickling in the back of his neck and has to use all his willpower to not slap his hand against it to make it go away. He doesn’t know what makes today different from other days, doesn’t know why Viktor is suddenly making such a fuss over this.

“You don’t have to wait for me,” Yuuri says with the attempt of a smile on his lips again. “I won’t go too hard and cool down properly.”

Yuuri can hear Viktor’s sharp intake of breath before he sees it. Viktor’s chest rises and his fists clench while his eyes become impossibly colder.

“Viktor, what is g-,” Yuuri starts just to be interrupted by Viktor.

“Yuuri,” the way Viktor says his name carries none of the warmth and affection it usually does. Instead, it makes Yuuri catch his breath, body tensing. What makes it even worse is that Viktor is _smiling_ at him as he speaks. “Do you remember when I got injured?”

Yuuri swallows and nods. He remembers, of course he does. Viktor was twenty-one at that time and already being called legendary by some. So the ripples his leg injury caused had been huge. Yuuri remembers checking the news over and over again, afraid Viktor would have to retire prematurely.

“Do you also know _why_ I got it?” Viktor asks, voice cold and sharp.

Yuuri thinks a moment and then shakes his head. There hadn’t been any details on that.

“Wasn’t it a training injury?” Yuuri asks tentatively, not sure why Viktor is bringing this up all of a sudden. Viktor nods at Yuuri’s reply and lets his eyes roam over the rink.

“I felt like I had to go on even though my legs already felt heavy. When Yakov didn’t let me stay despite begging, I waited until I knew he was gone and went back. Everything was fine at first and I felt good. And then the ice just slipped away under my feet. I was lucky Yakov came back, he never told me why.” Viktor squints his eyes at Yuuri, impaling him with icicles. “Do you understand now, Yuuri?”

Yuuri doesn’t and for some reason the way Viktor implies that he will get hurt makes his blood boil, melting the ice that had made it impossible to move. He knows his voice is shaky but he doesn’t care.

“I’m not you, I have more stamina. I know how to pace myself.”

It’s a petty argument, Yuuri knows it. It’s true that he has quite a bit more stamina but even that will run out eventually. He has never had any injuries despite long hours of training, that has to count for something. And yet, here Viktor is, chastising him like a teenager that doesn’t know his limits.

“Is that why I wake up in the night and find you gone? Because you _pace_ yourself?”

The sarcasm in Viktor’s voice makes Yuuri’s face flush. He didn’t know Viktor has noticed him leaving. It’s those nights when Yuuri feels fear and responsibility weighing heavily on his mind. He doesn’t want to wake Viktor so all he does is place a kiss on his forehead before climbing out of bed. It’s not always to skate, though. Some nights all he does is run until his lungs burn and his legs give in. How can Viktor possibly understand how he feels? Against his will, Yuuri laughs. A hollow sound echoing through the rink.

“You would never understand!” Yuuri throws at him, voice full of self-loathing. Does Viktor think he _wants_ this? Just the thought hurts and makes his stomach churn.

“Why don’t you try me?” Viktor says, voice slightly softer but still laced with ice.

“Because that worked so well in China, didn’t it?” Yuuri snaps and regrets it instantly. He thought he was over that specific incident but it seems a small shard of resentment for what Viktor did then is still edged somewhere in his heart.

Viktor's response is instant, forced relaxation replaced with rigid tension. How have they ended up like this over a small request? Yuuri doesn’t understand why Viktor is making such a fuss about it today, he can take care of himself. He shakes his head and closes his eyes, words heavy on his tongue.

“Listen, I’m s-”

“Show me your Axel again.” Viktor says suddenly, throwing Yuuri’s thoughts off balance. It would be easy to snap back if Viktor would just act annoyed but he never does. Why won’t he just say what is bothering him instead of jumping to little stories of long past injuries. It makes Yuuri’s blood boil.

“No.” Yuuri says defiantly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. If that’s how Viktor wants to play this game, he can do it too. Viktor raises an eyebrow, his lips nothing more than a thin line by now.

“Are you saying you don’t want to listen to your coach?”

Yuuri huffs in annoyance, running a hand through his hair. It’s a gesture he has picked up from Viktor and he hurries to pull his hand back when he notices.

“You know exactly it’s not like that, Viktor. Just…trust me a little, will you?”

Viktor’s eyes flash at Yuuri’s words and then the smile is back on his face, making Yuuri’s stomach turn while his blood is still boiling.

“Do you trust me?” There is something else in Viktor’s voice now, something Yuuri almost thinks is sadness if the thought wouldn’t be so ridiculous. Of course he trusts Viktor, trusts him more than he trusts himself.

“Don’t be ridiculous…” Yuuri says instead of answering the question. Viktor can be so irritating.

“ _Do you trust me, Yuuri_?” It sounds almost desperate, the way Viktor’s accent is getting stronger now. It makes Yuuri want to hold him but he doesn’t move, keeps his arms crossed.

“You know I do,” Yuuri says with a heavy sigh. “Why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”

“What makes you think that something is wrong?” Another question instead of an answer and Yuuri is so tired of this. Tired of whatever it is they are skirting around. He feels the muscles in his legs twitching, feels the need to move to keep himself from thinking too much about what is happening. That’s why he wanted to stay in the first place, get some of the nervousness for the upcoming competition out of his system. And sometimes, just sometimes, having Viktor around just makes it worse. Not like Viktor would understand that, so Yuuri usually asks for some extra time, knowing very well that Viktor will leave him alone. Except, today he doesn’t. It makes him even more nervous, edgy even.

“Maybe the way you avoid answering a simple question worse than Yurio?” Yuuri answers through gritted teeth. He doesn’t like arguing with Viktor but he is so irritating right now, trying to look relaxed when Yuuri can see the storm raging behind his eyes.

“Why do you think I don’t want you to stay?” Viktor asks and the desperation is gone completely now, replaced by cool calculation. Viktor expects him to _know_ why, thinks that it’s obvious and that is just perfect, isn’t it? The problem is, Yuuri doesn’t know.

“Just stop the games and tell me already, Viktor!” It comes out louder than Yuuri has intended to but he is too annoyed to care by now. His right foot almost starts moving on its own, the tip poking the ice and leaving behind small holes. If Viktor doesn’t tell him now, Yuuri might just leave.

“You’re exhausted.” Viktor finally says. “You’ve been out last night until almost dawn and you haven’t landed your jumps cleanly all day.”

Yuuri flinches at Viktor’s words. He wanted to know but Viktor didn’t have to make him sound quite as incompetent. Yuuri is old enough to know when he has to stop training to rest. The words are followed by a softening in Viktor’s expression and he makes the first step, moving closer to Yuuri, placing his hand on Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri pushes it away, turning away from Viktor.

“I know I failed today, I’ll make up for it!” It’s his pride talking, making him deaf to any message Viktor is trying to give him. Yuuri knows he can do better than he did during training today but how can he prove that if he doesn’t train more?

“That’s not what I mean! I just don’t want you to get hurt. I worry about you.”

Yuuri feels something inside him break. He doesn’t want Viktor to worry about him, he wants him to have faith in his abilities. Isn’t that why he first came to Japan? Because he could see the potential that Yuuri still has problems to see himself on bad days like today.

“I don’t need you to worry, I can take care of myself.”

By now Yuuri doesn’t know if his body is shaking from the cold or from something else. He also feels a familiar burn in his eyes and suspects that the cold doesn’t have to do with that either. He wonders if Viktor’s eyes are still cold. Can’t they just forget about all this?

“Are you seriously asking me to not care about you?” Viktor asks incredulously, a humourless laugh at the back of his voice. “That’s pretty much impossible, you know?”

Yuuri turns around in one smooth movement, ignoring the slight dizziness that makes his head spin more than it should.

“You’re my coach, you should know that I’m fine!”

They’re both weary, drained by the unusual exchange. And yet Yuuri can’t bring himself to back down, admit that Viktor might have a point.

“I’m telling you that you need to pull back and rest. As your _coach_.”

“I don’t need rest, I need you to leave me alone!”

Yuuri feels the stinging in his eyes, the burning in his throat and hurries to rub the budding tears away. He knows he could have told Viktor differently, that he had a million ways to word this better. When Yuuri looks at Viktor, the coldness in his eyes has been replaced with hurt. Deep pools of blue that seem to get lost within themselves, trying to hide the pain Yuuri’s words have caused. He watches as Viktor lowers his head, looking at the tip of his skates.

“I’m going home.” Viktor says flatly, making his way towards the rink exit without waiting for a reply. Yuuri wants to reach out, wants to apologize but when he opens his mouth, no words come out. Instead, he watches Viktor disappear in the locker room, shoulders slumped forward just a bit.

Yuuri tries to blame Viktor for what happened, tries to believe that if Viktor would trust him more, they wouldn’t have argued over a bit more training. Biting his lower lip, Yuuri tries to fight the uneasiness in his stomach. He wanted to be alone for a while but not like this, not with the nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

He starts skating lazy circles around the rink, tries to warm up his muscles again. All he wants is to work a bit more on the new step sequence, maybe a jump or two. Yuuri can feel his body protesting, feels the strain from the day that already lies behind him. But he’ll prove Viktor that he knows his limits, that he isn’t too tired just yet.

It’s not like they have never argued before. They tend to clash now and then over various topics. It just usually isn’t like this. They argue a bit, go over to solutions until they find a compromise. But Yuuri has been feeling frustrated all day already, irritated by his body not moving the way he wants it to. He can already see the various bruises he will no doubt have tomorrow. If he goes home like this, he will just end up sneaking out at night again.

_Do you trust me?_

Viktor’s words keep ringing in Yuuri’s mind. Of course he trusts Viktor, trusts his judgement and abilities. But does that mean he can’t trust anything that came before? Yuuri has spent years training, first in Hasetsu and then in Detroit. Viktor hadn’t known him then, didn’t see the hours Yuuri has spent to hone his stamina. Viktor doesn’t know his body better than he does himself, right?

He tries to push the voice of doubt away, focuses on the sound his blades make on the ice to silence it. He feels light headed, can almost hear the music in his ears. Being alone on the ice sometimes does this to him, allows him to just let go and go with the flow, makes him feel confident. A small smile plays around his lips as he starts gathering speed for the flip he hasn’t been able to land all day. His legs feel heavy but it doesn’t matter, he can do one more jump and then go home.

He can already see the jump in his mind, sees himself go through one perfect rotation, two, three, then four before landing it cleanly. Yuuri feels his body go through the motion, feels it tense _just right_ for the jump when he lets go to fly.

He knows it’s all wrong when his blades leave the ice, that there is no way he can land properly. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thinks he hears someone call his name but his world is too blurry to tell. Yuuri knows the ice is coming closer again and he prepares himself for the impact. It’s only been a second or two but he feels like he has been floating forever. Then his blade connects and slips, making him twist awkwardly. That’s when Yuuri admits to himself that Viktor was right, that he is too tired, that the reason his body won’t move right is that he has been training half the night on his own. It might be all over after this and it’s all his fault.

The impact is not as hard as Yuuri expects it to be, it feels strangely soft. Yuuri yelps, his voice mixing with another as he slides and finally stops. His knee hurts but not too bad. The rest of his body was cushioned by something, or rather someone. Yuuri snaps his eyes open and looks at the figure below him, scrambling off as fast as he can.

“Viktor?! What are you doing? Are you alright? Did you get hurt?”

Viktor moves slowly and opens his eyes before putting his arm over his face. There is no blood, which is good, but Yuuri knows that a lot of injuries are not visible right away. Yuuri feels his pulse quicken and his breathing getting shallow as he feels the panic he has managed to keep at bay crashing down on him with a vengeance. What if Viktor got hurt because of Yuuri? Weren’t they supposed to take care of each other? Instead they are having petty arguments because Yuuri is too stubborn and to proud to admit that He has been overworking himself. Again.

The rink feels even colder than usual now and Yuuri wraps his arm around himself, desperately trying to keep his body from shivering even more. It is all his fault - the fight, the fall, Viktor getting hurt. He wants to scream but the sound that comes out is more akin to a whine, a sound as pathetic as he feels right now. He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut tightly to find some refuge in the darkness, lungs burning with the need for oxygen.

“Breathe, Yuuri.”

Viktor’s voice is low and soft, and yet it manages to push its way through fog of panic, just like Viktor had pushed himself into Yuuri’s life after Sochi. It feels comforting and familiar, allowing a small part of Yuuri to relax enough to open his eyes.

The sea that surrounds him now is gentle, using it’s soothing waves to wash away any remnants of ice that it had darted into Yuuri before. It’s similar to the sheltering feeling Yuuri often gets when he lets himself dive into the blue of Viktor’s eyes. Maybe it’s what people call the calm after a storm? Yuuri isn’t sure but something has changed between them, shifted out of its place and into a new one that Yuuri isn’t sure yet if it's good or bad.

Viktor’s hand on Yuuri’s is shaking slightly but doesn’t move away. Yuuri watches the pale, elegant fingers draw soothing circles over his skin, lost, like they aren’t sure where to go from here.

“Are you hurt?”

The words are spoken with the same voice as the previous ones - soft, low, full of worry. Yuuri hangs his head and manages a tired laugh. It’s all so ironic that he just can’t help laughing about it to let some of the tension escape.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?” Yuuri is glad that his voice is only shaking a little. Maybe he is just too exhausted for anything more. “What were you thinking, Viktor?”

Viktor’s hand tightens a little, trying to close some of the distance that is still way too obvious between them. Yuuri hates it, hates the tiptoeing around each other. Viktor shrugs a little and a small, tired smile appears on his face.

“I don’t think I was.” He lifts Yuuri’s hand, placing a soft kiss on its back. “I saw you preparing for the jump and was running before I knew it.”

Yuuri wants to say something, wants to tell Viktor that it had been reckless. But after the way he behaved himself, does he have any right to scold anyone about recklessness? Yuuri swallows, throat tight with the emotions bubbling inside him. He knows they are not alright yet, that the peace is still fragile.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! You were right, god I should have listened!” The words are spoken between sobs. He rakes his hand through his hair, allowing himself the comforting gesture he tried to avoid earlier. It makes him feel closer to Viktor now, like a bridge crossing a river.

When the tears start falling, Yuuri feels the familiar brush of fingers on his cheeks, wiping them away before they have the chance to leave his face. Yuuri knows they should get off the ice and somewhere warmer. As if on cue with Yuuri’s thoughts, Viktor gets up, extending his hand for Yuuri to take. A part of Yuuri is still stubborn, wants him make to snap that he can get up on his own, but it’s so much more subdued than earlier. It makes it hard to remember why he was so insistent before.

He takes Viktor’s hand and is pulled up almost instantly, with so little effort that Yuuri can’t help a small flush from appearing on his face. Viktor lets go of Yuuri as soon as he is on his feet, trying to give him the space he had asked for before. They don’t touch again until they reach the benches, fingers just brushing past each other as they make their way off the ice. Yuuri wants to reach out but doesn’t, too aware of the rift that is still between them right now.

They sit down on the bench, wrapping themselves into training jackets that Yuuri doesn’t remember leaving there. Viktor must have brought them out without Yuuri noticing. After the rustling of the jackets stops, silence seems to fall over them like a veil, only interrupted by the sound of their breathing.

“Yuuri…” Viktor’s voice is even softer than before, hesitant even. It reminds Yuuri of how he used to peek through slightly open doors when he was still a child. Viktor opened the door for Yuuri and was waiting on the other side. All Yuuri had to do now is to take a leap and cross the threshold. “Yuuri, look at me….”

Yuuri takes his glasses from the bench, hands shaking as they pick up the familiar blue frame. He slowly puts them on like a shield before turning to look at Viktor, unsure what he will see and yet desperately trying to be prepared. In China, Yuuri had asked Viktor to trust him and today Viktor had asked him to do the same. So that’s what Yuuri is going to do now he decides before locking his eyes with Viktor’s.

“I get it now,” Yuuri says quietly without breaking their connection, throwing himself through the open door hoping that he will be caught. “You were trying to warn me, you knew I was too tired and you were right.”

The words still leave a bad aftertaste. Yuuri has never been good admitting his shortcomings. Sometimes, he blames his anxiety for it but he also knows that he can be too stubborn for his own good, especially when it comes to his skating.

“It wasn’t the first time.” Viktor says matter-of-factly, catching Yuuri with his words, voice free of judgement but full of understanding. Yuuri nods, knowing he doesn’t have to elaborate further, that the same thing had happened to Viktor before. It’s strange how their conversation just seems to fall into place again, seemingly unaffected by the shift Yuuri can still feel clearly. But that feeling doesn’t come with a sense of dread anymore.

“Why didn’t you tell me right away?” Yuuri bites the inside of his cheek, scolding himself for still sounding defensive. He knows he has a point, that Viktor should have just said it, but he also knows it wasn’t on purpose.

“I thought I did. I didn’t consider that…” Viktor never finishes the sentence, hesitant to say what Yuuri knows is the truth.

“...that I could think you are looking down on me?” Yuuri finishes for him with a small smile. “Yeah, I do that sometimes when what you say doesn’t make sense to me.”

“I would never do that!” Viktor says while pulling a face. When his head is clear, Yuuri knows that Viktor doesn’t look down on him, that he is Viktor’s equal on and off the ice. But then Yuuri falls on his jump again and it can be _so hard_ to remember. He scoots a little closer, allowing their hands to touch.

“I know. But being with you can make it hard to remember.” It’s something Yuuri has carried with himself ever since their first kiss. Loving Viktor, being in love with someone like Viktor, isn’t always easy. Yuuri had looked up to Viktor most of his life and while he now knows the person behind the idol, falling in love with that person had been the easiest part of their relationship. Loving Viktor now means to face that Viktor isn’t perfect even if no one else sees that. It means that Yuuri has to remind himself that he is worthy of standing next to Viktor even if his head tells him something else. “Just tell me directly what you think. I don’t do well with subtle hints.”

Viktor nods and and tentatively wraps his arm around Yuuri’s waist, pulling them together. Sitting like this now feels closer to Yuuri than it did before. He remembers Yuuko telling him that fighting with Takeshi always helped her to understand him a bit better, especially when they had just started going out. He always remembers asking her if she had ever cried because of him.

“Every tear I cry is for Takeshi,” Yuuko had said with a smile so soft that just thinking of it still makes Yuuri’s heart hurt. “Because I know he will gather all my tears and turn them into smiles.”

He thinks he understands her words a bit better now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear what you think in the comments!
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](http://chessala.tumblr.com)


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